Get The Fuck Out

It’s been almost three weeks and the dust is finally beginning to settle.  I cleaned house and took out the trash without any help from anyone.  Like cockroaches friends disappeared into the crevices and kept on running.  I felt abandoned at first but it was a good thing – who needs friends like them?  I am beginning to breathe again.  I wasn’t looking for a roommate when Cookie asked me for a favor and let her friend King move in.  It was just until Christmas and the extra money would be nice and Cookie had been helpful when I needed it.  Things are never simple.  It started off pretty good, King was polite and cooperative, said he’d fix a couple of things as soon as he moved in.  He agreed to keep it quiet – he didn’t have many visitors – only one friend ever came over.  Other than his girlfriend who moved in with him.  I liked her and that was not a problem.  By the end of the week I met about 20 people.  I didn’t spend any time with them but I did clean up after them.  I had a little talk with King who said he’d be gone by Christmas.  A couple more weeks wouldn’t hurt.

Just after New Years King was arrested for parole violation and was in jail for a week.  His girlfriend, Jane, stayed close to the house while he was gone.  I didn’t expect to have any problems when he got out and was told he found a place to live in Safford.  He came home paranoid and began accusing Jane of fucking around.  I didn’t say anything until he hit her.  I wasn’t about to let that happen and locked her in and him out of my room.  “Stay out of it it’s none of your business!”  He said clearly a threat.  “No King, I’m not going to watch you hit her, you just go on now.”  “I’m not leaving she needs to go!”  “Then you step back and let us out now.”  I told him.  He slowly backed up and turned the corner.  I guarded Jane and together we went out the door and Jane ran.   King whipped around the corner but she was already out in the street.  He yelled as she ran down the road.  He glared at me as he went inside but neither of us spoke.

The next day Jane was still gone and I talked to King about moving out.  When I saw Jane again I told her to stay away from him.  “It won’t get better, it never does.”  But she moved back in a couple of days later.  A few days after that King offered to give me a ride to the grocery store.  After shopping King took the back road home. Coming to a wide shoulder he pulled off the road and told me not to interfere in his business again.  I told him what he did was wrong and I would not sit by while a grown ass man beat a woman.  He glared at me then said “Well you got balls, I’ll give you that.”  “I thought you found a place to move.”  He told me it would be ready in a couple of weeks and I let it go.  Two weeks later they were still there when King started in again – he accused Jane of fucking a different man this time.  He was threatening to hit her and she was calling to me for help.  “Go on Jane – get out before he hits you!”  Jane was shaking and inching back away from him very slowly.  She was in the kitchen when he pulled the gun.  “That does it – you get out now!”  I told him.  “I am not going to have a gun pulled in my house and that’s all there is to it!”  “OK, I’m moving.”, he told me as he entered his room and closed the door.

Friday morning I told him he needed to load up today.  “I need a couple of weeks to find some place.”  he told me.  “Hell no you be out before Sunday morning.”  A friend showed up with a truck and trailer and they spent the day moving shit out.  It took me a couple of weeks cleaning up behind them but it’s over and they’re gone.  Jane stopped in after he was gone.  She told me she wasn’t going back to him and that’s the last time I saw her.  I heard she followed him but I can’t say I’m surpised.  I hope she gets away alive next time.  As for me I’ve never been better.  You can’t scare a suicidal person with a gun and standing up for myself was good for me.


No happiness here. I even took an online class for happiness but failed, I would not choose this or wish it on anyone.


I have no happiness to report. Do you?

Sitting around listening to garbage music in order to block away thoughts and issues so I can function. I guess that is my drug of choice again for a while. Interestingly enough I have been aware of junk-culture for almost two decades now and why it works so well in this currently deranged world. It drugs down the problems, takes down the ability to concentrate and leaves very little time over to grasp reality as it is.

Escapism, as it is commonly called; be it reading books, watching TV or searching internet, talking nonsense or making useless plans, walking around in nightlife, walking the dog… Whatever. It is all the same useless nothing inside nothingness. These people, myself barely and at times faking it to be included in this, are in this world and we can rarely face any higher quality in…

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Holiday In Hell

I know.  Christmas is coming.  Christmas is coming and I’m not looking forward to it.  I may not be alone on Christmas but I won’t be with family.  I will probably be alone with my two dogs.  I do have a couple of friends here but they have family here also.  The only thing worse than being alone is being with someone else’s family.

Thanksgiving was awful.  I couldn’t bear weight and my left leg hurt.  There was no turkey, or pie, or any trimmings.  I made a sandwich and shared a bite with the dogs.  My youngest son sent me a text to tell me Happy Thanksgiving and I thanked him wishing him one too.  I emailed my older son but he hasn’t answered.  I won’t be doing any shopping for Christmas.  I don’t have an address to send gifts to.  I have a tree up but no decorations.  No one will see it so I don’t care.

Today I bought jalepeno peppers to make poppers for a friend who requested them.  It reminded me of the holidays because I always make them then.  I hurried and finished my shopping not wanting to cry in the store.  I even smiled at the check out clerk.  The groceries are put up and I am alone where it’s safe.  I no longer cry every day and every night I remind myself as my tears fall.  But tonight will be long as I allow myself to remember it’s almost Christmas.

Thanksgiving Day Alone

For the first time in several years I will not be cooking a turkey or trimmings.  I will not have family here to visit.  I am too far away from them today.  I miss them and wonder if this is what I deserve.  Is this what old age has in store for me?

To my older son – enjoy your family.  To Joe- make our stuffed jalepenos and enjoy.

What doctors don’t learn about death and dying

Dying and death confront every new doctor and nurse. In this book excerpt, Atul Gawande asks: Why are we not trained to cope with mortality?

I learned about a lot of things in medical school, but mortality wasn’t one of them. I was given a dry, leathery corpse to dissect in my first term — but that was solely a way to learn about human anatomy. Our textbooks had almost nothing on aging or frailty or dying. How the process unfolds, how people experience the end of their lives and how it affects those around them? That all seemed beside the point. The way we saw it — and the way our professors saw it — the purpose of medical schooling was to teach us how to save lives, not how to tend to their demise.

The one time I remember discussing mortality was during an hour we spent on The…

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Feminism’s Heritage: Freedom vs. Special Protections

Jeb Kinnison

Suffragettes - Suffragettes –

Peter Wright at AVFM pointed out the division among early feminists between those who wanted freedom to enjoy the rights and opportunities of men (voting, professional employment, equal treatment under the law) and those who wanted special treatment (exemptions from military service, favorable alimony and custody rules, lighter criminal sentences, lowered physical qualification standards for physical jobs.) He pointed me to the work of Ernest Belfort Bax, an early (1913) men’s rights advocate:

Modern Feminism rose slowly above the horizon. Modern Feminism has two distinct sides to it: (1) an articulate political and economic side embracing demands for so-called rights; and (2) a sentimental side which insists in an accentuation of the privileges and immunities which have grown up, not articulately or as the result of definite demands, but as the consequence of sentimental pleading in particular cases. In this way, however, a public opinion became established…

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Summary of lefty male anti-feminist tactics

mysandric redux

radical wind

Or: mapping some of the big branches of antifeminism, where they come from and where we are today etc. Or: looking at intersectionality, radical lesbianism, contempt for victims and general male activist / reformist practices from a broader perspective.

I’ve been preparing a synthesis between the criticism of radical lesbianism and intersectionality to have a bigger picture of both and where they come from, and as I see things in patterns I thought I’d first draw it out to make it clearer to myself and others. So this is a first introductory part and more will come later.

We do know the vast majority of women from the women’s movement in the 70s either came from the left or civil rights movement, and were subsequently joined by women coming from lesbian and gay activism.

The positive influence from the left was that women carried with them and further developed the…

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